A Relationship Manifesto - Part 1

Female submission. Gender roles in relationships. Waiting for "the one." Setting boundaries. Emotional needs and how they influence one's choices in whom to date. Love languages. Establishing standards. The precarious line between "friend" and "friendlier." Differences in the way men and women think.

Bet I've already hooked your attention.

As a single female of marrying age in this culture, it is hard to escape the topic of relationships. Perhaps you can identify. In the past 3 1/2 years, I have attended, served, or been in approximately 35 weddings, and this number continues to increase. Each time I visit with my extended family, they ask about my dating life. When I gather with my small group girls or with my girlfriends, the topic of men and relationships always comes up. One of my college friends even facebooked me this week, and at the end of her message, she asked whether or not there is currently a fella in my life. I confess - I'm guilty of doing this to others. Then there is the litany of chick flicks, chick reads, and love songs that pervade the marketplace and influence society's views on relationships.

Don't worry - this is not a bitter diatribe against dating, people in relationships, or guys in general. The above paragraph is simply an observation of reality. This post is nothing more than my thoughts and opinions about various topics relating to relationships.

Female Submission

Oooh - let's start with the controversial topic, the one that men love bring up. In fact, I was recently telling a friend of mine that God taught me a lesson of submission while in India, and his reply was, "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

I think I give off the air of a feminist, but I'm actually quite old-fashioned when it comes to this issue. Let me rephrase this, I believe it in theory, but I'm not always the best at putting it into practice. But I will tell you that the man makes the difference.

Surprise, surprise - I'm going to a wedding this weekend. This time, I'm a friend of the groom, and it is this particular friend who unknowingly taught me the joy of submission. In 2007, he was my director at camp, and he is one of the best servant leaders with whom I have ever worked. I did not always agree with him, and he will quickly tell you that I am stubborn and am certainly not a shrinking violet when it comes to stating my peace. But I respected him and did my best to support his decisions. I wanted to support him. Why? Because of his heart for God and for people and because he strove to serve his team, which often involved personal sacrifice.

Because of him, I got a glimpse of what Ephesians 5 hints at, for the principles that Ephesians applies to marriage also applies to other contexts. How a man treats his wife will affect her desire to submit to him. If he loves her and communicates that love in a manner that she understands, she will have a stronger desire to submit to him. If he is a godly man, she will want to follow him. Keep in mind that the context of Ephesians 5 is comparing a marriage relationship to the relationship between Christ and the church. The wife is to submit to the husband as the church is to submit to Christ.

As women, Scripture commands wives to submit to their husbands (Eph. 5:22). There's no getting around it, and honestly, I don't want to.

A few caveats:

First of all, wifely submission does not hinge on the husband's behavior toward her. She is told to submit - period.

Second, this command does not mean that she should follow her husband into sin, keep all of her thoughts and opinions to herself, or abstain from making decisions in the family. A solid marriage necessitates communication between the husband and wife, and both partners should freely share and be involved in the decision-making process. However, the Lord did appoint the man to be the leader of the household, and as women, we must demonstrate respect as the husband leads out as the head. Furthermore, a wife should encourage, aid, and pray for her husband as he strives to lead.

Third, for some reason - I can't imagine why - whenever this topic comes up, guys often like to toss up the verse from 1 Corinthians 14 about women keeping quiet and being submissive.

Let's have a quick lesson in hermeneutics. In this chapter, Paul is dealing with the subject of orderly worship. The Corinthians had sent Paul several questions to which he was responding, and he was also commenting on issues in the church about which the messengers had told him. Disorderly worship, specifically regarding prophecy and speaking in tongues, was one such issue. Most scholars agree that there was an issue with women engaging in disruptive speech in church. It is not wrong for women to prophesy or to speak in tongues or to teach, but it was being done in a way that was culturally inappropriate and outside the bounds of scriptural guidelines, which is why Paul told the women to refrain from speaking in church. In the Roman culture, women were little more than property to be owned, and Christianity had given them dignity and enabled them to lead and to serve in the church. Some of the Corinthian women had taken this new-found freedom a little too far - to the point that it was becoming an hindrance to outsiders accepting the Gospel because it was inconsistent with accepted standards of modesty in that culture.

As an aside, I also want to note that there are numerous text critical issues in this passage, particularly with 14:34-35; therefore, tread carefully with interpreting this passage or with tossing up a command from Scripture out of context or with little understanding of the cultural factors surrounding the passage. With this cultural understanding, we can know that this command is to be understood as a restriction of rights in a way that is "consistent with the sacrificial death of Jesus 'for' others (11:24), with the pursuit of love (12:31b-14:1), and with the edification of the church (14:3-5, 12, 26)" (Frank Thielman, Theology of the New Testament).

Does this command apply to women of every era and culture? Personally, I do not think so - at least for today's woman in America, and my interpretation is based on my understanding of the culture and of the audience that Paul was originally targeting with this message. However, there are places in the world today, such as Muslim contexts, where women probably would need to remain silent in church. This is not because God thinks any less of women; it is for the sake of the Gospel. We need to be true to Scripture and culturally appropriate in our verbal and non-verbal presentation of our faith. And at some times and places, this might require that we as females keep our mouths shut. From experience in such cultures, I've learned that biting my tongue and praying make this a little easier to accomplish, but like I told you, submission is easier in theory than in real life. But it is God's design, and His ways are perfect, which is why there is joy in doing what He has designed us to do. There is joy in living out our calling.