My roommate and I have had two mantras this semester: "Nobody's got it all together" and "No matter what, the Lord still sees you as righteous." I cannot express how many times I have needed those two reminders, particularly the last statement. I have learned so much about myself and about other people this semester, and I'm finally getting the chance to reflect on some of it and to make connections. This whole post stems from a conversation that my roommate and I had this past week, and the content is my synthesis of our own experiences, of conversations with countless girls, and of material from my counseling classes.
The proverbial square peg in a round hole - none of us can make ourselves fit that mold. But we try. For those of us who are perfectionists, we strive to fit the mold that we expect of ourselves or that we think others, even God, expects of us. We perceive that there is a standard to live up to, and we are determined not to fail.
But we already have. Failed, that is. Paul reminds us that "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rm. 3:23). If God were a target, we wouldn't be able to reach Him because of our sin. It separates us. Our own actions have separated us from God. Not only that but we can do nothing to meet God's perfect standard. Any attempt to do so aligns with the facere quod mentality, which is unbiblical.
There is no mere mortal who embodies the perfect round peg that we're attempting to become. No one except Jesus. Yet so many of us have the Christian Barbie Complex. However, it is totally unrealistic to think that we could ever measure up.
I played with Barbies as a child. My favorite thing to do was to pick out clothes for them (think this was an early indicator that I would totally enjoy shopping). Glamorous outfits. Perfect hair. No blemish of any kind. Skinny as a rail. And she had a guy - Ken, who was just as perfect as Barbie. Dream house. Hot pink limo (don't judge - I was 6). Yet who has any of that? But that was the standard that was set. Those were society expectations that I observed at an early age, even though they are not grounded in reality (especially the pink limousine that had a pool in the back of it).
What is the Christian Barbie Doll? Good question. No one knows because like the plastic Matel figure, she does not exist in real life except for in the minds of countless females. No one has met her, although we often look at other women and think that they have got it all together. They don't. None of us do. And it is dangerous to play the comparison game. God didn't create you to be someone else. Only you can be yourself. God made you the way you are for a very specific reason, and He doesn't make mistakes. You reflect something about God that no one else on earth reflects, which makes you extremely unique, beautiful, and valuable. Wishing that you looked like Jessica or that you had Rebekah's talents or that you lived Sarah's life - doing this is communicating to God that you think He messed up, that His plan is faulty. Yet if His plan or His creation is imperfect, then God cannot be perfect because Someone Who is perfect cannot do anything that is imperfect. Let's get this straight - God is perfect, which means that you are who you are by His perfect design.
One of the tell-tale signs of a perfectionist is the MOANS. Listen to the words that they use in conversation. Typically, it will involve the following: must, ought, always, need, should. I ought to do this. I have to achieve that. I must be this way. There are a variety of factors for why a person is a perfectionist, but for whatever reason, they think that they have to be perfect. Christian Barbie Doll = perfect Christian. Yet to be this way is to expect more of yourself than God does. How many times is our standard for ourselves higher than God's standard?
Beware. Perfectionists make excellent guards. They patrol all of the time, often without realizing it. Keeping people at an arm's length - guarding one's self from the scrutiny of others by not letting them get close - this is necessary in order to keep up the facade of being a perfect Christian. And it is a facade. We are square pegs trying to make ourselves fit in a round hole, and no matter how well we pretend that we fit the round hole, we don't. And we can't keep up the masquerade forever. This is the fear of perfectionism - fear that someone will find you out, that someone will see you as you really are. The false bravado and the fake confidence will finally be stripped away.
Heaven forbid that anyone see our cracks, for anyone to realize that we don't know it all, that we're not superheroes, and that we don't have it all together. Does anyone truly have such expectations of us? Do we honestly expect everyone else in the world to be perfect? No! Each of us is only human. So if we can have grace with other people - accept that they are imperfect and will, thus, make mistakes and let us down - then why can't we have such grace with ourselves? God has such grace with us, and He even sees us as justified. How in the world is that possible when we are so indelibly messed up? Because when He looks at us, He sees His Son.
Let's quit whitewashing the truth about ourselves.
Sanctification. Becoming the round peg. It's what we're called to, isn't it? So how does that happen? How does this square peg become a round peg, so it can fit in the round hole? I can't do it myself. Neither can you. Only God can shape us and form us. The Fall transformed us from round to square, and only God can fix what has been broken and misshapen by sin. Only God can make us the way that He wants us to be. We do not possess the power or the ability or the will to do this on our own. It is only through the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, molding and changing us. And it is a process - a process in which I will sometimes succeed and sometimes fail. But you know what? Even when I fail, the Lord still sees me as righteous. While this does not give us the liberty to engage in depraved lifestyles, it does free us from worrying about how the Lord views us when we do not measure up.
I have always loved to learn. However, as much as I try to do well in school, I will not ace every test or successfully complete every assignment, especially considering that I have more than one job, am involved in the ministry, and try to have a semblance of a social life. Over the years, God has reminded me that people are more important the paperwork, that school is not the most important thing in the grand scheme of life. While it is important, it is not the most important thing. Yet it kills me to do poorly. For me, doing poorly presents an inaccurate view of my learning (especially considering that most classes do not have proper assessments - trust me, I spent two years studying education and assessment theory. But that's another blog for another day...If you want to know more, start with reading Differentiated Instruction and Understanding By Design by Carol Ann Tomlinson and William McTighe). Basically, I do not consider memorizing information for a test to be learning in the pure sense of the word. Such assessments only indicate a person's ability to memorize. It does not demonstrate what they have analyzed, evaluated, processed, or synthesized from the content.
Digression ended. Returning from my mini-soapbox, the point is that there were multiple times this semester (and they usually coincided with Hebrew) when my roommate would remind me that no matter how I perform on a test or how I respond to a question - the Lord still sees me as righteous. I so needed to hear that reminder! God doesn't base His perceptions of me on my performance. While He knows my faults, weaknesses, and failures, He also knows my heart. He knows that I am His child. Like Punchinello in the Max Lucado children's book You Are Special, I need to spend time with my Maker in order to get an accurate view of myself, for God loves me just the way I am. I need to see myself as He sees me.
Any time we take our eyes off Christ, we lose perspective, and it is so easy to become consumed with naval-gazing. We allow ourselves to get distracted from the ministry and from the people that God has placed in our lives. We lose opportunities because we are so self-consumed. This prevents us from being the person Whom God has designed us to be. It harms our relationships with others. In trying to become that Christian Barbie Doll, we miss out on becoming who God wants us to be, which also means that we miss out on ministering to others. The Christian life is meant to be lived for the sake of others. And you do others a disservice and present them with an inadequate portrayal of God and Christianity when you are not being the real you and when you are not where you need to be in relation with God. Being self-consumed prevents you from engaging in ministry (or if you do "ministry," it's to meet your own needs or to gratify your own desires and has little to do with God or others because it's all about you).
In John 15:4-5, Jesus commands His disciples to abide in Him, and being in relationship with Him enables Him to mold us, to shave off our square edges. We have to yield control to Him. Essentially, we decide whether or not we trust Him, and if we trust Him, then we can and will submit to His Lordship and yield control of our lives to Him. It seems like risky business. But it's not - because it is God Who is sovereign over all.
Christianity is not performance-based spirituality. Even though James 2 teaches that faith without works is dead, the Christian life is not supposed to be consumed with our performance, how much we do. It is about love. As 1 Corinthians 13 communicates, if we do not love, then we are nothing. How can we love others if we do not love the One Who gave Himself for us? Our passion for God is directly related to our love and our passion for people, including ourselves. Works are supposed to be an overflow of our love for our God, stemming from our relationship with God. It is our connection with God that gives us the impetus to serve others, to aid the poor, and to do good works. Knowing who we are, grasping that we are made in the image of God and all that this means for us and for our self-worth and for how valuable that makes us - once we understand who we are in relationship to God, we can understand who we are in relationship to others. And we can realize that God is not about our performance. He's about our heart. He's about our connection to Him, our abiding with Him. As we do this, He will be working in us, sanctifying us. As we spend time with Him, He will be conforming us to His image.
***Disclaimer: I am not saying that it is wrong for girls to have or to play with Barbie dolls. It is important, however, for girls to understand that they are not expected to look like Barbie. God has made each of us just the way we are, and He has formed us in His image. Our self-worth comes from Him alone - it should not come from any expectation of society, culture, media, or people.
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